Dancing my kaleidoscope of Grief ( Butterflies )

Once long ago, and maybe far away, the first hurt happened.
It was was easy then, when the hurt happened the response was a heart-centered response of the mind, body, and spirit. When we were much younger, hurts happened to us and we responded. When I experience the loss of someone, someplace, something, some….. I don’t see them as totally gone, is see them as always being fluttering in me, a butterfly of a memory. Sometimes the Butterfies affect us emotionally and it can be overwhelming, joy, sadness, fear, peace or most anything. I see this as a sweet memory, spreading it’s wings filling me, sometimes so full I hurt everywhere, or peaceful joy. But whatever the butterfly tickles I need to feel it.

Long ago you where experienced your first loss. I invite you to close your eyes and envision that first loss that moment, whatever it might be, a person, a pet, a place, a tooth, .. Find your moment, now if your moment is a butterfly what does it look like?

My first memory butterfly is pale yellow and it was just my size at the time, it is the memory of hurt caused by having to move when I was 5. Scared, confused, As life went on I grew in all ways always from the heart, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and of course physical changes too. But I changed and the butterfly from this moment stayed the same.
Sometimes this memory touches me again, it without a connection I see, or perhaps as I face a change, it adds to the emotions I’m having in the moment, I See it as a butterfly resting on my heart. Ive collected many butterflies, All kinds shapes and sizes and I’ve grown around them till they take up less space, We are more of companions, a way to co exist and enrich

Do you know what the collective noun is for Butterfies? Kaleidoscope. Really it is . Love it!

The most recent addition to my internal kaleidoscope is my sweet son Shane He stopped breathing.. Has it been 10 weeks or is it 11? I don’t want to know, or count, I know it’s been forever and a not even a minute. The butterfly I see for Shane is a giant iridescent butterfly that overwhelms me and takes over sometimes. It’s always here, but sometimes it’s wings are quiet. Already I can feel myself growing, but not away from, I’m growing around and including this lovely, horrible, memory of a life full or faith, struggle, joy, love, pain,disappointment, creating, hugs, music-ing, dancing, loving but which ended too soon.

Oh. I have a toy kaleidoscope is so beautiful but created from the broken pieces of glass, That is how if feels when the butterflies of memories are all shook up from a life adventure. Like rubbing broken glass.

Today I feel like a butterfly. Memories leak from my eyes , Sometimes with a breath and a moment, laughter might turn the tears to rainbows, of love. So when my eyes are leaking, please leave me be… Treat me like a butterfly, loving watch me and let me be free to flutter by. Of course sometimes the butterfly lands on you and rests in your gentle support. That is wonderful too, but wait for the butterfly to come to you.

close your eyes again. do you see, feel, sense a butterfly memory? or something like that?. A fluttering gentle touch. Or maybe yours is a different image.

For me when I get overwhelmed by one memory, I close my eyes and see the kaleidoscope and somehow I know it will all be okay again.

So my dear ones, would you be a butterfly for me? Take a scarf and feel the first butterfly memory of feeling you have. And let’s dance it in this space, As we sing. Turn turn turn..

I’ll be a butterfly for you

Pulelehua

Posted in travel

Changing times and feelings

3 months, it’s been 3 months, well kind of .. This month has no 31st… He died March 31st, it’s June 30th. So is that 3 months, or does 3 months never come… Never come. Maybe it’s a a dream, make believe. Unreal. We get to go back… Back back.. To start over.

I don’t know what it all means. I think this week I have moved into a time where I am more angry and confused…. rather than just overwhelmed with sadness & confused. Memory loss is still strong, and it is all frustrating, but I have more tools so it bothers me less.

My head spins by I’m lost. My head spins I’m found. I plan and go forward regardless of what I am thinking and doing… And feeling… So much feeling.

So open to the changes in the universe. I have nothing to loose. Nothing to gain, nothing to be .. Nothing. To fight with .

I hate that moment when I remember. I think “oh Shane will love this… Love this… I’ll FaceTime him, or text, or send this… ” But then “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I cannot, I cannot never again. ”
Devastating .. I guess I could adjust and will to talking to him anyways, via GodSKYPE but not there yet.

ANother hard time, when you see someone who did not know, and I go from being okay. To not okay… I’m almost ready to embrace the not okay I now know that even if I fall apart,
I can come back together again with loving help

Together again… A song.. A moment a time

I’m ready to explode and lose it.. But still find it.. But… But .. Where will it be.

Okay so now I am different. I feel different again. I seem to just wake up, knowing he is gone. Not so shocking, but so sad.
Crying is not as long and hard. And I see the waves usually before the hit. I let them hit. I don’t hide… Usually anyways.

Pulelehua

Posted in travel

The wave that hit… Those moments..

Quietly waiting for an airplane to board, a lovely man asks, me am I traveling alone.
And it hits me. I’m feel Soo alone. I hold myself together, looking out the window, focusing anywhere I can. There is a large family traveling with their mom. Again, I wonder about the future, the past, the wonder of the life. Finally I surrender and the tears fall down my cheeks, trying to ignore them, Being friendly and kind. But the broken heart hits. My mom gone, my “wasband”, my son, my sister, my brother, so many friends. What is this death thing? And Just why? And then

In another moment after surrendering to the sensation, letting my body totally feel the sadness. I remember, my brother Mike at home with my dogs, caring for them so sweetly. I look forward to a POOOL party with many sweet ones. My ribbon dancers .
Tuesday evening I’ll be with dear ones celebrating a birthday, And in the morning with a friend planning a sharing of sweetness of dance and Balance. Joy! Thea my dear one will pick me up and come home to float with me!

From the Time we are small Butterflies of Grief come to us and stay forever. They vary is size, shape, color, sometimes they take us over for a moment, or a day, or some times years. Is it odd to think of grief as such a beautiful creatures? Not for me. When they first come they seem to be so huge there is no room for anything else. Then I grow and transform and expand in so many ways that although the butterfly is the same, I am not. And there is room for more in my life then just that small butterfly or large butterfly. But it does not change. When the butterfly of that moment touches my heart again, I am back in the first moment, I ever experienced it. Strange huh? My dad died 45 years ago, yet this year on the anniversary it hit me Hard… Hadn’t done that is years. Wow!
Did you know that a group of Butterflies is a Kaleidoscope? Yes the collective adjective is kaleidoscope. A lifelong source of misery and joy. The wonders and mysteries.

I am so rich in friends and community and lifestyle. I know I am fortunate and yet when the butterfly of grief touches me, it takes over my being. My kaleidoscope of butterflies are always with me. They add a depth and beautify my life Beyond all expectations. But when the butterflies hit I am completely overwhelmed, I want to have it all. I don’t want to ever forget the people I love and have lost. And I value the pain, because it keeps me open to empathy and compassion and helps me cherish the life I have. How do we live in the day to day world and yet ride out the wave of grief when we get knocked down?

We do it with friends and strangers helping us along the way.
A lovely women saw my tears, and did not ask just smiled, nodded, and the connection found with loving strangers was made. It helped in ways I don’t understand maybe our butterflies communicate.

Maybe it is all the same. I don’t know but then again… What does it matter, we are, we struggle, we grow and then start all over again.

Posted in travel

Bali a place to heal, dance, pray & find a missing part of me

Coming to Bali I felt so raw, alone, confused, I’d lost my sense of direction in my Grief over my dear son Shane dying.  I could not find my way to places I knew and loved and I just wanted to weep and do all I could to stop the truth from being true.

When I arrived I could not stop to see what was around me.  I  just felt like it was one more place I would come to ANC forget.  But after a night sleep waking to the beauty of the sunrise, I felt a bit intrigued.   Maybe it would be okay. 

I’d ordered breakfast to my room and it was delightfully delivered. 
 I heard then saw the lovely fountain and garden below me.  Then the wave of grief hit.. How could I be here in this when Shane is gone?  How can it be true?  I think I will struggle with that question for a long time. 

First views of city had me wondering why I’d come 

Then finding a massage in a small place with a scooter for company   Too funny and yet a great massage.  And she held me when cried.


I headed to the mountain to join the Sacred Dance Guild for a week of glorious dancing and tears, and songs, and finding new strength in myself. 

Dreaming of a world where all that pain was a dream

Dancing MOving mysteries

Letting go into the fire and sending my love to Shane and my other loved ones!


The Lotus to help us remember our time on the MOuntain,  I hope it helps bring me back in my heart!

Our night of dinner and dancing in Ubud.  

Dancing the Mandala at the Ashram where I found my heart again. 

A process of meditation called super consciousness  awake me to the wonder of the world. Again.  At least for now the day tastes sweet and I can feel my dear son here in the moment.  

I came here after having    a dream that my mom and sister where here asking  me to join   them.  then Paster Tim entered and agreed that here I could find a new lease on love of the all beings here. 

I did find a missing part of me.   Hard to describe what was gone or how I know it has returned but it has.  Now to find more I can add to the joy of the world 

Posted in travel

Yayasana Ånand Åshram, Ubud Bali

Ashram is heaven. Very quiet, time to reflect and write and swim and meditate… Good spot for it.

Rest,  I cannot believe how much I sleep.  In all times of day and night.  I sleep long nights and nap in the day.  Waking crying,  or happy .  But waking so that is good.  

I am stilling by this pool feeling the joy of the water falling filling the air with dancing ions of delight.  A healing pool to share the restful moments of life.   Or to let go of the rest.  The water refreshingly cool,  it is a wonderful place to feel the grief fall away and the pain lessens even for just a moment.  Under the water I can scream and let go.  
 the peace and calm of this place is delightful. I can feel the loving spirit of us pilgrims. The caretakers, of this delightful retreat are open to the heart and live in harmony with the land. The bungalows are lovely for having comfort and yet living in nature. A true Bali experience. The rooms in the main build are also lovely. Simple dorm rooms, the 2nd floor rooms good for going within few distractions but the sound of water into the Healing Pool. The Top floor rooms have lovely views of the Rice fields


   The upstairs chapel is all made from recycled wood, amazing, the main hall reflects the belief of unity thru diversity. 

Symbols of all kinda of religions and the blessed icons of the 

It is so delightful and so human, the penis everywhere….. And I love St. Jhulelala the Saint on the fish. The greeting is Jhulel. Which means are you still dancing?   Tonight I am told we will sing many dances in honor of him.  
 The free meditation and yoga sessions are blissful and open wether or not you are staying here. 

Statues in Ashram garden

THe JOyful Bhudda says, be joyful and & share your Joy with others.


A real find for anyone looking to go to a place to meditate and find peace away from the hubbub of the city. 

Pulelehua at the Chapel of the Goddesses

Pulelehua at the Chapel of the Goddesses


When I shared with the group Shane’s struggle and my tender heart they all prayed for me right them and loved the story of holding the heart together  As The Grout of Love set US up and  holds together . 

. I hold this place in my heart and I am held also They have all kinds of meditation, dance, singing, chanting in, whirling to name a few.

OK it is just what I need an I’m so happy I found it.

Posted in travel

Bali trip 1 goes to 2 then there are 14

ahhhh

A day that is like a deep sigh… I so enjoy the wonders of this place.

A long hot stone massage.

A walk down the road to see the local peeps and the dogs and chickens, rice paddies , mature cacao heavy in the trees

, Bananas spiking in ripe bunches hanging above the lovely purple flowers,

green coffee,

little temples,

family offerings.

Feels great to have my knee allowing me to move more freely.

Lots of great food, more walking, time in the birds nest and then delightful dancers, from United Kjngdom, Canada, Australia, US there are 14 of us her to share in the beauty. And love and dip into the heart of the lotus.

There is another mother here whose child a twenty something Left
Just two weeks after Shane left. So her chaos of heart is even newer and sharper and stranger than mine.

We cried and complained and cursed and then together Read a children’s story out loud. A story of Fairies learning why they were here in their universe. Helping and serving healing the wounded among us. We know who we are the music makers, the rainbow color sharing, the touching and stroking, the hospitality, the healing lovely lotions and potions, the crying and laughing emotional expressive, the feeding and collecting lovelies, the parenting over viewers, the writers and reflectors, it takes a village or talents and love. And we all together hold the space in love and grace and meditative presence allowing it all to happen, and guiding ourselves and each other back to the core essence that part where we find were we really really are.

I’m loving the time alone., This morning, no tears, just a feeling like I’m going to pop with inner feelings. I’m rocking to bring myself into the feeling of the core, I want to stay in the heart in the brokenness sometime everyday. Otherwise it feels so unreal. Like it didn’t happen. I’ll go home and find out it was all a lie a dream and mistake.

Those weren’t his ashes, that wasn’t his heart I heard stop, that wasn’t his breath that didn’t return. That wasn’t wasn’t wasn’t wasn’t really it wasn’t.

I’ll dance my life in honor of the great love of my life this young man who came to me so young and left before he had a full life, no family, no wife, a love thank God, but where is the future. He help and supported so many but no future. Why.. Where and how can the world keep going on I ask. How can it happen?

Into peace I go, full of conflict and misery. Blessing and distressingly beautiful day.

Waking to birds singing and monks chanting. Must be Bali

Aloha! Pulelehua

Posted in travel

Butterflies shells and life reflections

Our lives are full of shells, The shells we hide in the places we discover.

The moments of our past could each be a shell in our lives, a shell of love, a shell of fear, a shell of joy, a shell of grief. Over time they are washed up on the ocean of our lives and broken down into bits. The bits all blend together into the sand of our lives. Sandy lives full of the shiney, smooth, dark, dirty delightful and rough bits … All smoothed out till we are comforted and held in them. Like laying on the seaside in the warm sand. The wind of life goes by and we continue on but the sand below us is supporting us and comforting us, or maybe poking and prodding us. Scratchy and inspiring us to movement or smooth so we sink into the restful moments of time.

It is lovely to find these times where we are sinking into the sand made of our past shells (experiences) all crushed and worn till they are totally transformed.

Nautilus shell of our existence, we have so many chambers that we have grown as we live. As one chamber is completed it gets mostly sealed so that a new one will form and it goes on and on. To float we pump air into our chambers and they we flow with the oceans currents. Life happens all around us and we can take ourselves up and down thru the flow. In each of these chambers we have the memories of the times when it was formed. The lessons learned that made that chamber what it is. The flow between the chambers treating them all with value and respect is what makes us who we are. Just as in the nautilus shell we cannot rise of fall unless all the chambers of our lives all the aspects of our existence are interconnected and allowed to support us.

The Nautilus lives very deep in the sea and lives a very long time.

Pulelehua is a butterfly in Hawaii, and the name of a lovely woman who transformed herself, by accepting and embracing all the parts of her life. One way to do that is to writing, acknowledge it happened and integrate it into the current self.

Each chapter or part of her life is like a seashell of experiences and Held together by the hard outside of the shell and live moments being the soft interior being that lives there.
Overtime the soft part is lost in the process of living and time. And the shell breaks down in the sand that makes up our day to day Aloha! Pulelehua

Posted in travel

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