Changing times and feelings

3 months, it’s been 3 months, well kind of .. This month has no 31st… He died March 31st, it’s June 30th. So is that 3 months, or does 3 months never come… Never come. Maybe it’s a a dream, make believe. Unreal. We get to go back… Back back.. To start over.

I don’t know what it all means. I think this week I have moved into a time where I am more angry and confused…. rather than just overwhelmed with sadness & confused. Memory loss is still strong, and it is all frustrating, but I have more tools so it bothers me less.

My head spins by I’m lost. My head spins I’m found. I plan and go forward regardless of what I am thinking and doing… And feeling… So much feeling.

So open to the changes in the universe. I have nothing to loose. Nothing to gain, nothing to be .. Nothing. To fight with .

I hate that moment when I remember. I think “oh Shane will love this… Love this… I’ll FaceTime him, or text, or send this… ” But then “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I cannot, I cannot never again. ”
Devastating .. I guess I could adjust and will to talking to him anyways, via GodSKYPE but not there yet.

ANother hard time, when you see someone who did not know, and I go from being okay. To not okay… I’m almost ready to embrace the not okay I now know that even if I fall apart,
I can come back together again with loving help

Together again… A song.. A moment a time

I’m ready to explode and lose it.. But still find it.. But… But .. Where will it be.

Okay so now I am different. I feel different again. I seem to just wake up, knowing he is gone. Not so shocking, but so sad.
Crying is not as long and hard. And I see the waves usually before the hit. I let them hit. I don’t hide… Usually anyways.

Pulelehua

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Dancer, Librarian, Sufi, Lutheran, Giggler, Traveler

Posted in travel

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