Dancing my kaleidoscope of Grief ( Butterflies )

Once long ago, and maybe far away, the first hurt happened.
It was was easy then, when the hurt happened the response was a heart-centered response of the mind, body, and spirit. When we were much younger, hurts happened to us and we responded. When I experience the loss of someone, someplace, something, some….. I don’t see them as totally gone, is see them as always being fluttering in me, a butterfly of a memory. Sometimes the Butterfies affect us emotionally and it can be overwhelming, joy, sadness, fear, peace or most anything. I see this as a sweet memory, spreading it’s wings filling me, sometimes so full I hurt everywhere, or peaceful joy. But whatever the butterfly tickles I need to feel it.

Long ago you where experienced your first loss. I invite you to close your eyes and envision that first loss that moment, whatever it might be, a person, a pet, a place, a tooth, .. Find your moment, now if your moment is a butterfly what does it look like?

My first memory butterfly is pale yellow and it was just my size at the time, it is the memory of hurt caused by having to move when I was 5. Scared, confused, As life went on I grew in all ways always from the heart, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and of course physical changes too. But I changed and the butterfly from this moment stayed the same.
Sometimes this memory touches me again, it without a connection I see, or perhaps as I face a change, it adds to the emotions I’m having in the moment, I See it as a butterfly resting on my heart. Ive collected many butterflies, All kinds shapes and sizes and I’ve grown around them till they take up less space, We are more of companions, a way to co exist and enrich

Do you know what the collective noun is for Butterfies? Kaleidoscope. Really it is . Love it!

The most recent addition to my internal kaleidoscope is my sweet son Shane He stopped breathing.. Has it been 10 weeks or is it 11? I don’t want to know, or count, I know it’s been forever and a not even a minute. The butterfly I see for Shane is a giant iridescent butterfly that overwhelms me and takes over sometimes. It’s always here, but sometimes it’s wings are quiet. Already I can feel myself growing, but not away from, I’m growing around and including this lovely, horrible, memory of a life full or faith, struggle, joy, love, pain,disappointment, creating, hugs, music-ing, dancing, loving but which ended too soon.

Oh. I have a toy kaleidoscope is so beautiful but created from the broken pieces of glass, That is how if feels when the butterflies of memories are all shook up from a life adventure. Like rubbing broken glass.

Today I feel like a butterfly. Memories leak from my eyes , Sometimes with a breath and a moment, laughter might turn the tears to rainbows, of love. So when my eyes are leaking, please leave me be… Treat me like a butterfly, loving watch me and let me be free to flutter by. Of course sometimes the butterfly lands on you and rests in your gentle support. That is wonderful too, but wait for the butterfly to come to you.

close your eyes again. do you see, feel, sense a butterfly memory? or something like that?. A fluttering gentle touch. Or maybe yours is a different image.

For me when I get overwhelmed by one memory, I close my eyes and see the kaleidoscope and somehow I know it will all be okay again.

So my dear ones, would you be a butterfly for me? Take a scarf and feel the first butterfly memory of feeling you have. And let’s dance it in this space, As we sing. Turn turn turn..

I’ll be a butterfly for you



Sacred Dance Guild Librarian, Dancer, Systems Librarian, Sufi, Lutheran, Giggler, Traveler, Snorkeler, Joyful!

Posted in travel

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