Quietly waiting for an airplane to board, a lovely man asks, me am I traveling alone.
And it hits me. I’m feel Soo alone. I hold myself together, looking out the window, focusing anywhere I can. There is a large family traveling with their mom. Again, I wonder about the future, the past, the wonder of the life. Finally I surrender and the tears fall down my cheeks, trying to ignore them, Being friendly and kind. But the broken heart hits. My mom gone, my “wasband”, my son, my sister, my brother, so many friends. What is this death thing? And Just why? And then
In another moment after surrendering to the sensation, letting my body totally feel the sadness. I remember, my brother Mike at home with my dogs, caring for them so sweetly. I look forward to a POOOL party with many sweet ones. My ribbon dancers .
Tuesday evening I’ll be with dear ones celebrating a birthday, And in the morning with a friend planning a sharing of sweetness of dance and Balance. Joy! Thea my dear one will pick me up and come home to float with me!
From the Time we are small Butterflies of Grief come to us and stay forever. They vary is size, shape, color, sometimes they take us over for a moment, or a day, or some times years. Is it odd to think of grief as such a beautiful creatures? Not for me. When they first come they seem to be so huge there is no room for anything else. Then I grow and transform and expand in so many ways that although the butterfly is the same, I am not. And there is room for more in my life then just that small butterfly or large butterfly. But it does not change. When the butterfly of that moment touches my heart again, I am back in the first moment, I ever experienced it. Strange huh? My dad died 45 years ago, yet this year on the anniversary it hit me Hard… Hadn’t done that is years. Wow!
Did you know that a group of Butterflies is a Kaleidoscope? Yes the collective adjective is kaleidoscope. A lifelong source of misery and joy. The wonders and mysteries.
I am so rich in friends and community and lifestyle. I know I am fortunate and yet when the butterfly of grief touches me, it takes over my being. My kaleidoscope of butterflies are always with me. They add a depth and beautify my life Beyond all expectations. But when the butterflies hit I am completely overwhelmed, I want to have it all. I don’t want to ever forget the people I love and have lost. And I value the pain, because it keeps me open to empathy and compassion and helps me cherish the life I have. How do we live in the day to day world and yet ride out the wave of grief when we get knocked down?
We do it with friends and strangers helping us along the way.
A lovely women saw my tears, and did not ask just smiled, nodded, and the connection found with loving strangers was made. It helped in ways I don’t understand maybe our butterflies communicate.
Maybe it is all the same. I don’t know but then again… What does it matter, we are, we struggle, we grow and then start all over again.